the danish outpost
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fashionista: only in my own head.

18.10.2001

feeling kinda how a girl feels

listening to the calming sounds of St. Germain as i write...

ah, the price we pay for fashion. dressing up can be painful. yes, i know. it was my choice. so after the foray yesterday for the boots, i still wasn't sure if they looked okay. tried on both pairs when i got home, and couldn't really tell how they looked. i even stood up on my bed to try to get a look at the full length image, which didn't really work, because the mirror is on top of the bureau. in retrospect, i could have just picked up the mirror and put it on the floor at the right height. but that didn't dawn on me then.

so when i got dressed this morning, i fished out my blue silk heels. they're navy blue, 3 1/2 inch heels, no arch support. they look lovely, but damn are they painful. did i mention i walk to work? okay, so i only walked halfway and caught the bus. but still.

but i still wanted to wear the boots. the heels were just too corporate looking to be quite right for a fashion show. so in addition to the backpack full of crud, i toted along a big clearish plastic bag with a pink shoebox. pink. i am so not a pink girl.

around lunch time, i asked the receptionist if she had a minute, and could she give me an opinion? 'sure.' i dashed off, grabbed the big pink box, and scooted back out. this is how it came to pass that one of the guys from upstairs came down and around the corner to find me bent over, struggling with the damn zipper on my suede-looking boot, the other foot bare. he was a little flustered by the whole thing.

but i had to have an outside opinion. i needed to know if they looked okay, and if they worked with the skirt. survey says? yes. good. so back to my desk, shuck the boots, back into the heels, and off for lunch.

i had a chance to meet up with the lovely mechaieh for lunch. she was in town for a long weekend, and had suggested getting together. i'm glad she did. we sat in the sunny atrium at Brew Moon, and chatted about all sorts of things - politics, music, writing, travelling, and a whole whack of other topics i'm sure i'm forgetting. i was a bit nervous about it all, as small talk is not generally my fortè and we've swapped emails but hadn't met IRL before. turns out that was all for naught; mechaieh is great fun to talk with. and it sounds like she's got a lovely weekend planned - great time to be up here, too, what with the Head of the Charles and Indian summer.

and as if lunch and a fashion show weren't enough for one day, i also fit in a cocktail hour with bill. he was in town for the day, and had originally suggested lunch. fortunately, he was willing to hang around a bit so we could catch up at the end of the day. (honestly, it wasn't all that hard to convince him. *g*) we did the speed recap and caught up on where the other person is; he's heading off to the wilds of New Jersey next week to start a new job. i'm glad he's found something that sounds like a good fit. it's been hard to watch him stressing out about the job search. of course, that is a hell of commute, so it's not perfect. but hey - it's better than a sharp stick in the eye, and i'm keeping my fingers crossed that something else a bit closer to home may still come through.

then earl and i met up to head over to JP for the fund raiser/fashion show. as per usual, we got lost trying to find the place. the invitations didn't help, as they only had the address for the sponsoring store. we still managed to get there in plenty of time and stop for film on the way.

okay. so the whole thing with the boots? *sigh* i think it may have, subconsciously, been a way to deal with my ambivalence about the whole thing. see, they had this show last year. earl and i were together then, and were supposed to go. but he got sick, and i opted to stay home.

this year, we're friends; he and i made plans to go, and it worked out. so we go as friends. and yet i found myself using 'we' a lot. as in, 'we didn't make it last year, so i'm glad we're here this time.' it's not right. we're not a we. it's a he and me kind of thing. and maybe, maybe the whole dressing the part thing was about trying to feel more in place.

there are myriad other little stresses that i'm struggling with as well. and he's still one of my best friends, so it's only natural that when i felt overwhelmed partway thru the night, i turned to him for a hug. he gives great hugs. didn't question why, just wrapped his arms around me. part of me felt a lot better, and the rest of me ran to the ladies' room to clean up my face.

it's hard work, this friendship thing. it's damn hard work. and some days, i wonder if i'm up to it. i feel so inadequate sometimes, so needy and selfish, not really being there for the other person the way they need. and yet, what else can you do? living alone on the top of a mountain isn't really an option, not realistically. so you pick up your things, and you slog on, hoping to get it more right than wrong.

and most of the night was good. earl took tons of pictures, the turnout was good, and the show was fun. there was also a silent auction, wherein i bought far too many things. i had bid on a few small items and one big ticket item early in the evening, figuring that setting an initial bid would encourage others to bid also. *bzzzt* survey says? they'll just bid on other things. so i ended up spending quite a bit of money on things i didn't really need. also? they had a sale table, and i bought some nice soap (manly smelling cedar scent) for earl, body mist (teak) for me.

repeat after me: it's tax deductible, for a good cause. it's tax deductible, for a good cause. it's tax deductible...

yesterday :: tomorrow

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