the danish outpost
updated when time and inspiration allow. latest and greatest always in the blog.
high dudgeon

2001-05-16

feeling kinda how a girl feels

oh, it's been a soap opera of personalities and politics today, most of which i've gotten to observe, rather than taking the starring role. 8) it started when i tried to log on to my computer. a dialog box popped up, asking all sorts of personal prying questions. so of course, i call my friendly neighborhood IS guy. wouldn't you? he had no idea what the point of the script is - because it was launched by the Farm, and they didn't deign to inform him as to the purpose. he and i got into some mutual commiseration as to the general intelligence and motivation of the so-called support team out there, and while we were ranting, i clicked the cancel button on the inventory dialog. and i am stunned by the following:

Okay, there is no need to inventorize this machine

inventorize? inventorize? was inventory not a servicable enough word for you? now i'm truly glad i hit the cancel button. with error messages like that, who knows what kind of havoc the script could have wreaked on my machine?

most of the day has been taken up by rather ... expressive meetings. okay, i'll cop to being irked going into the first one. i almost missed it because it wasn't on my calendar, and only got in because i happened to walk by at the right time. (hey, maybe i just shouldn't walk around the office, then i wouldn't have to go to any meetings!) anyway, my comments from the last meeting had been summarized in the highly professional statement 'Beth says NO.' c'mon... be a little fair, folks. i accept that you didn't like my answer. but spell out the details. so of course, i fired off more or less that same answer soon after pointing out that that wasn't quite accurate. ;)

the last meeting, tho, pretty much took the wind out of my sails, amused as i was. i got quite a bit of information out of the meeting, and was humored by much of the goings on. others, however, were not amused. there were raised voices, finger pointing, pissing contests of continental proportions, much frustration, and close to a core melt down in one case. when people get up and walk out of meetings to avoid yelling, you know it isn't fun.

oddly, but appropriately, i came out of that meeting to find a brown paper bag on my desk. yup. a bottle of red wine. (thanks, b) could have come in handy, had i been the one having the melt down.

even the most innocent of comments has been taken poorly recently. tensions are high around the office for a lot of reasons. and i don't remember to factor that in to daily communication. i said something fairly innocuous, and had my head handed to me on a silver platter. it was still the right thing to have said, but perhaps i should work on the delivery. you think?

oh, and i had a moment where i thought my parents had finally done what they've been threatening to do for years: move and not leave a forwarding address. i called to leave them a message and see how their vacation went. on the machine? not my dad's voice, but some generic gentleman whom i've never heard before (unless he's the one that did the announcements for the parking garage ticket machines). i got mildly panicked and called my dad at work. fortunately, he was there. and no, they haven't moved, or if they did, he's as much in the dark as i am. 8)

:sigh: the undercurrent today, though, for me, has been general nervousness. what? oh no, all the office histrionics weren't enough. see, i've got a date tonight. he's coming over for dinner. i don't even want to get into all the reasons, but the situation has me very much off balance. could be good, could be bad, and i have no idea. hrmph. what i said the other day about tarot cards as a tool? well, here's todays card.

No-thingness

Being "in the gap" can be disorienting and even scary. Nothing to hold on to, no sense of direction, not even a hint of what choices and possibilities might lie ahead. But it was just this state of pure potential that existed before the universe was created.

All you can do now is to relax into this no-thingness...fall into this silence between the words...watch this gap between the outgoing and incoming breath. And treasure each empty moment of the experience. Something sacred is about to be born.

now what the hell do i do with that? there's no enlightenment in that. i am constitutionally incapable of 'relaxing into the no-thingness'. nope. not me. i need details, baby. i'm a hard core information junkie. details - need, want, crave, must have. this one way dribble of information? no good! can't stand! gah!

oh, see, there i go again, getting all riled up. this is no good. it's not helping one bit. ::phhhh:: (that's the only way i could figure to transliterate a puffy little sigh thru my nose, while making the small mouth face. doesn't really work, does it? you get the idea, though.) well, in an attempt to keep myself from completely capsizing emotionally, i asked frenchy if he wanted to walk home together. it'll be a nice stroll and a chance to catch up with him. (read: get out of my own head for a while.) and i fully intend to dose the hell out of myself with kava. because this will only be nice if i can unclench a bit, and i'm doing all i can to get there.

yesterday :: tomorrow

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