i ventured outside today, and it was both wonderful and surreal. surreal in that after you've spent a few days not focusing on anything, not even looking outside, forgetting that there's a World Out There, it's a bit odd to put yourself back into it. wonderful in that the sun on my shoulders felt great.
i walked down to the Inconvenience Store to get a Bottle Rocket - Arizona Tea's energy drink. it's the first one that i've found that doesn't taste like ass. i had to make do with an Amp one weekend, and nearly choked on it, as it reminded me of nothing so much as some drecky medicine i was forced to take as a child. the Bottle Rocket, tho, tastes like sparkly lemonade, and has just enough zing in it to get me going without making me hyper.
and i needed the jumpstart, because i wanted to get a few things done today. not the manic, 'must make up for lost time' sort of crazed errand running, but just a few things to get myself settled. without the jumpstart, i was afraid i'd just crash on the couch and nap all day, driving myself further into the depressive cycle. so i gassed up and did a few things.
it was good, overall. drove into the Square, nearly driving off the road while looking to see if any of the guys were doing their pitch. (i didn't. and it felt generally odd to be back in the car, pretending i'm human again...) stopped to visit my favorite florist, and got an armload of flowers to brighten up the apartment. headed over to Bread and Extortionists to pick up a few things, like strawberries and pat¸ and a little food for the next few days. if i'm doing small shopping, i don't mind as much spending the money there.
and somewhere in the middle of all that, unpacking the groceries, and arranging the flowers, it hit me. this is no way to live. constantly feeling like i'm on the edge of recovery, worrying about my migraines and IBS, playing catch up, reconnecting, fighting off depression - this isn't life. this isn't living. it's just existing.
so i've made some decisions. i want to get back to the place where i feel good and feel good about myself. for those of you who've stood by me in the blackest depths of clinical depression: that's *not* where i am now. it's the thing i'm trying to avoid.
no, what i feel is that i push myself too hard in all the wrong directions. i'm tired, get shwacked by too many migraines, hate dealing with IBS flares, don't like the way i feel in general. and i'm going to change that.
so. resolution: i'm going to go on a diet, thru the end of October at least. this isn't a 'turn myself into a waif' sort of diet. more like a 'flush the system out' sort of diet. altho if i lose a few pounds in the process, that wouldn't hurt, as i'm unhappy about the BigJeans being just a wee bit too tight. i don't mind the way i look, but i don't like the way it feels. i feel lumpy. the diet: no more empty calories. i may even go back to being veg for a few months. everything i eat needs to have a purpose - calories, protein, vitamins, fiber - you get the idea.
resolution: i'm going to start going to the gym again. at least once a week, to start with. treadmill, weight circuit, and the whirlpool as reward. i may even treat myself to towel service. and if i get motivated, i'll do yoga classes again.
resolution: i'm going to treat myself to fresh flowers, at work and at home. flowers make me happy. and there's no guilt in fresh flowers; i feel guilty about killing plants, which i do on a regular basis. but cut flowers are meant to be changed.
resolution: i'm going to do one chore or project at least 5 nights out of 7. doesn't have to be anything big; taking out the trash counts. if i do one small thing every day, instead of waiting until i can't see the floor for laundry, maybe i won't be so daunted by 'keeping house'. (strange phrase, that - i always think of keeping house as something that women did in the 50s, a la June Cleaver.)
resolution: i'm finally going to see the dentist about all that work i should have had done a few months ago. yeah, yeah. better late than dentures, says i.
*sigh* okay, typing that out, it seems like a lot. but i don't really think it is. i just need to keep the goals in mind, and remember i made this decision for good reasons.