2000-12-13
feeling kinda
anyway, it's a bit spartan in here today, but at least you can get in. props to Andrew for providing all kinds of nifty tools, including templates. [side note: that's the third time today i've used the word nifty, and i'm still scared of myself.]
i'm feeling the need for a little rant, because i'm pretty angry about a little event yesterday. i sent a note to the ex-girlfriend, to let her know that if she changed her mind and wanted to come to the party, the invitation was open, and either way was fine. not five minutes later, i get an email whose subject line has been changed to 'persistent email from beth, annoying.' i'm going to guess that she didn't actually mean to send it to me, but to the party boy. however, it ended up in my mail box, either by accident or design.
i have not felt that kind of gut-wrenching, vertigo-inducing, acid bath, shaking mad anger in a long, long time. you can say that i'm trying too hard to be inclusive, to recognize that she is part of his life, that they are friends, and that instead i should just leave well enough alone. i'd say that to some degree, that's true. you could say that i set myself up for the flame mail, and i'd agree. you could say that by trying to be nice, i'm actually being mean, because she's still in love with him and wants him back, and my mere presence, let alone mail from me, is an irritant. i'd say grow up, acknowledge, and move on. if you truly want to be friends with someone, you recognize what's important to them, and who is in their life. you don't hang onto things that can only harm the friendship. you could say that it's not really that bad a comment, and i'm over-reacting. i would say that my reaction is probably a little out of whack, but hey... those would be my emotions. i just washed them, and i can't do a thing with them.
this happened right before i was leaving the office to go shop for party food, and i just ran out to get stuff done, not replying to her note. i ranted like a madwoman to my ever-patient best friend, who said most of the things mentioned above, altho i may have beaten her to the punch on some of them. i nearly hyperventilated at one point. i laughed when the woman ringing up one of my purchases, after i told her the story, and when i'd explained flame mail to her, let rip with a string of insults not proper to repeat. i very nearly had a migraine, because stress is a trigger for me. i didn't think before hitting the forward button, and then called my sweetie to ask him not to read his email just yet, because i didn't want to spoil his party for him.
and yes, part of the anger is self-directed. i'm angry that i pushed too hard, and couldn't just leave things alone. i'm mad at myself for possibly fucking up again. i'm really mad that i let this get to me, and that i feel exactly like the evil psycho bitch who is out to get everyone that she seems to think i am. the desire to be a better person sometimes pushes me to do things that, maybe, make me a worse person. i don't know... it's hard to tell. and i'm scared that this will do damage to my relationship. there's just no knowing, on that front. i'm hoping it isn't a big issue, but... eh.
so when i came in to work today, there was another email from her, apparently sent about five minutes after the first, which quite politely said 'no thanks'. i stared at it for a while, and kept my fingers off the keyboard, because you know that's sometimes where they do the most damage. i had pretty much decided that i'd just talk this out with some friends, maybe write here to get the nastiness out of my head, and leave it at that. there's no need to make things worse, by trying to bandage them up. i don't need to be friends with her, altho i would prefer that, because she's clearly important to someone who is important to me. just walk away from it, ignore her, let her make a friendly gesture if she wants.
but finally i couldn't take it any more. she insulted me when i was trying to be nice, and that discussion is between the two of us. so i sent back a rather prickly little note in response to her little nicey note. 'sorry, no do-overs. you sent the bitchy one first. don't know who lit your tampon string on fire, but get over it. so sue me for making the effort to be nice, because you're part of his life and generally a nice person. there's no need to be rude.'
needless to say, there's been a deafening silence in response to that one. i'd like to think that she ignored it, i said my piece, and no harm, no foul (no socks, no shoes). but we all have that morbid curiousity, the car-wreck mentality, the 'ew, that's gross - show me again' streak in us. i'm sure she read it. and i'm guessing she'll drag him into the middle of it. i hope that it doesn't lead to ugly things between me and my honey. but frankly, this will be what it will be, and i don't feel badly for having said my piece and defended myself (albeit, in a rather prickly way). this woman no longer is ten feet tall in my head. she's about two inches tall. and that's a good thing.
