the danish outpost
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forest for the trees, or the other way around

2001-02-12

feeling kinda how a girl feels

have you ever been so focused on getting somewhere that you lose the joy in the right now? i feel as if that's where i am lately. there's a place i want to be, and i'm trying a different way to get there than before. and i'm pretty sure it's where i want to get. but right here, right now? doesn't have a whole lot of appeal for me.

if you followed the Meditations last month, you have an idea of where this is coming from. (oh, so sue me for ending with a preposition!) i'm, let us say, a third of the way through my life. and there's some stability that i crave. yeah, my family is there for me. but who that family is, where they are, is changing. as it should be. and i want to put down my own roots, damn it. and not on my own.

sweetie and i have been dating for two and a half years, mostly on, with a little off, and have been friends for about five years before that. well, we're still friends, but you know what i mean. and i respect his boundary issues, wanting to carve out a place for himself after coming out of a tough relationship. but the whole commuting thing is wearing on me. sleepovers just aren't as fun at 30something as they were when you were 7.

so i asked him this weekend if he's thought about living together. as i expected, he hasn't; he's a little more focused on job stuff right now. and frankly, planning ahead isn't his thing. it's mine. a little back story: when things briefly blew up and he dumped me, we had been fighting hard about commitment, from apartments to rings to kids. this is a rather touchy subject.

i explained to him a little about how i'm feeling, and that the topic comes up for a host of reasons, among them that things are going well between us now. i tried to be very clear about the positive. he had said at one point that he wanted things to work out between us, and i asked him if that was still how he felt. yup. i also tried to be crystal clear that it seems we are both in very different places now than we were last year, and from my side, there is no prerequisite for a ring before living together. so, on the pro side: things are going well. we both want things to work out. communication is good. he didn't run away screaming for the foothills. ::soft smile:: on the con side: he and i both have living situations we like. he is commitment-shy (i won't go so far as to say phobic). and this feels like a lot of work to me.

it's that last bit that's getting under my skin today. the rest of it makes sense; moving isn't something most people crave, and the older you get, the tougher the compromises become. i'm used to living alone. he likes his roommates. neither of us likes lifting heavy objects. but. if things are going well and we want them to work out, why should it be like pulling teeth to talk about taking the next step? we're both grownups, and it shouldn't be much of a suprise that "things working out" might involve living together.

but it does feel like pulling teeth. i'm doing this careful dance of negotiation, trying to balance how far i can push with what i can offer to entice. and why? just, why? i love him, i do, but this is testing my patience. part of me is starting to wonder how much i really want this. maybe i should shave my head and sit on top of a mountain to meditate. that sounds overly dramatic, but it's indicative of the problem. i'm starting to draw in to myself, to pull in those emotions that might get trampled on again. it's not really easier to shut down than to get hurt, but that's where my heart is going if i don't watch it.

and that drawing in, that shutting down means i'm not much fun these days. i'm not letting myself have much fun. working, working out, running errands? all fine. loosening up and enjoying? not so fine.

this week's exercise, boys and girls, is loosening up the emotional vise clamp. we have plans for Valentine's, and a three day weekend coming up. i want to enjoy them, enjoy his company. i want to spend time being with the man i love, and have a good time together. i want to remember all the things i love about him. that seems a little more important in the Here and Now.

yesterday :: tomorrow

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